


love yourself like i love you

by lulumae



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/F, High School AU, Lesbian AU, Mental Health Issues, crygi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:00:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25170520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulumae/pseuds/lulumae
Summary: TW // eating disorders and body dysmorphia relatedcrystalm: what did you mean when you said society happened?gigigoode: didn't your parents raised you with enough morals to understand boundaries?She sat there in silence, feeling bad for lashing out but she couldn't help it. Gigi felt out of her body these days, she was nothing like the approachable girl she used to be. She was tense all the time, pushing everyone away without even realizing it.gigigoode: i didn't mean to sound so harshgigigoode: it means that i ate an apple for dinner and i'm feeling guilty about it, it means how i look is all i got and it's not even much
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd
Comments: 20
Kudos: 97





	1. the society happened, baby

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is the first fiction I have written in a while so I appreciate criticism a lot. English is not my first language but I tried my best!  
> I hope this doesn't sound tone deaf. I know how important these issues are and I know they are not something you can handle without help. We will get there is all I am going to say.  
> A lot of what I have written is personal experience based. Hope you like this! I appreciate all kinds of comments!

Crystal was in the farthest stall of the bathroom close to her school's gym, smoking and scrolling through her phone. She didn't have to hide to smoke but she liked the privacy she had there. She was supposed to be in the gym, playing some game she didn't even understand. Luckily there was a cheerleading practice for some upcoming game she couldn't care less about that kept everyone too busy to look for her. She enjoyed the time alone and the fact that she wasn't sweating at that very moment.

She was chain-smoking when she heard the door swung open. Someone rushed into one of the stalls and coughed like she was about to puke. Crystal threw the half-smoked cigarette to the ground and stepped on it with her sneaker. She was way too kind and curious to not help whoever came rushing to the bathroom even God forgot about so she unlocked her stall and stepped out to help. She didn't want to scare the girl so she stood next to the stall door for a second.

"Hey, uhm..." She didn't know what to say, this was out of her comfort zone and probably wasn't in anyone's. "Are you okay, do you need any help?" The girl started to puke the moment Crystal finished her sentence and she decided to step in to help. She got in the stall with the brunette she couldn't recognize from the back and held her hair away from her sweaty forehead.

Crystal stood there holding her hair for what felt like forever now that she was getting sick herself. The brunette fell to her knees after spitting in the toilet and rested her head in the stall's wall. Crystal recognized the brunette when she saw her face. The beautiful girl who was sitting on her knees with closed eyes was a well-known cheerleader: Gigi Goode. She felt uncomfortable, like she wasn't supposed to see what just happened. She felt like she was breaking some unwritten rule about not interfering with cheerleaders.

"Thank you." The brunette murmured and opened her eyes to take a look at the stranger that helped her. Her ice-blue eyes locked with Crystal's light brown ones. "Could you help me get up?" Crystal helped her by taking her hand and leading her out of the stall. They stopped in front of the discolored mirrors standing side by side, still holding hands.

Gigi looked picture-perfect, even with her now paler than ever skin. She was in her well-ironed cheerleader uniform while Crystal was wearing some black shorts with an oversized and overly patterned bright t-shirt. They looked like opposite ends of the high school spectrum.

"God, I look awful," Gigi said, leaving Crystal very confused about how she didn't see she was the prettiest girl to walk the earth. Crystal shook her head to get rid of the overly exaggerated comment she thought about while Gigi leaned to the mirror to fix up her slightly smudged mascara.

"No, you don't. Are you sick or something? I can get you to the nurse if-" Gigi held her hand out to shush her.

"This," she circled the air with her pointer finger while turning her body to Crystal, "never happened. You didn't see me here, understood?" Crystal weighed her opinions and decided she didn't want to feel responsible if the girl ended up sick, it was not like she was worried for her.

"Only if you tell me what happened to you, I don't want the responsibility of knowing this happened." Gigi looked deep into her eyes with a puzzled look. Crystal raised her eyebrow, demanding an answer.

"The society happened, baby." Gigi lowered her voice, she wasn't like her usual confident self. She once again checked the mirror from the corner of her eye, straightening her skirt with her hands. "Don't worry, I didn't fall or anything, nothing to take responsibility for here." She talked more sure of herself this time and waved a little goodbye before turning around and leaving with fast steps, leaving a confused Crystal behind.

Gigi almost ran back to the practice knowing well she was in the bathroom for more than she should've been. The head cheerleader was a nightmare who wouldn't stop messing with her.

"Where the hell have you been for this long?" Elena practically yelled at her when she saw the girl rushing. Gigi was quick to get to her spot for the cheer they were practicing.

"Sorry, I had some lady problems. You know how it is." The brunette lied without even thinking about it. In this decade and country, having body image issues were considered lady problems anyways so it wasn't that big of a lie. Elena rolled her eyes at Gigi's words and kept ordering them what they needed to do for the rest of the time.

Crystal was left confused in the bathroom, thinking about what happened. She knew it wasn't her place to interfere more. She had lots of friends, unlike Crystal. They would take care of her she thought.

The rest of the day went uneventful. Crystal went through the classes although her mind was somewhere else the whole time. She left her last class like her life was depending on how fast she got home. She was rushing through the parking lot to her old car when she saw Gigi getting into her's. The other cheerleaders were loud about going out to eat together at a diner while splitting into a few of the girl's cars while Gigi speeded out of the parking lot by herself. Crystal knew better than to be worried about her but she couldn't take her mind off of Gigi and her little comment about society. She got in on her barely working car and speeded out herself, eager to get home.

"I'm home!" She announced while walking through the front door. The woman that looked like a carbon copy of Crystal replied with a sincere smile before proceeding to ask about her daughter's day. It was just another night in Methyd's house: They ate dinner together and talked about whatever was happening with everyone's lives. Crystal helped her mother clean up before going upstairs to her room.

Crystal's room was a beautiful mess. She had clothes and some half-painted art pieces lying around and the room smelled like paint. She opened her window before laying on her bed scrolling mindlessly on her phone. She didn't feel like doing anything that day.

On the other hand, Gigi went to an empty house and thought about how surprising it was. Even her inner voice was sarcastic. She grabbed an apple from the kitchen on her way to her room. The Goode's house was big, it made Gigi felt even smaller than she already was feeling. She wore some comfortable clothes and ate her apple while checking her accounts. She was following all these perfect girls with perfect bodies that would be considered "goals" by many, including herself. She checked the pictures and felt sick again.

She knew what happened in the bathroom, she just didn't want to accept it. Gigi knew this was her body reflecting her mental health. She missed a fun dinner with her friends to avoid eating something she shouldn't. She avoided the dinner to run from Elena's judging looks and blamed it on her period, which she barely had anymore.

She was getting ready to do her homework while her phone lighted up with an Instagram notification. Gigi frowned seeing the user name, all she wanted to do was ignore her body's signals but now there was also someone to remind her what happened.

 **crystalm** : _what did you mean when you said society happened?_

 **gigigoode** : _didn't your parents raised you with enough morals to understand boundaries?_

She sat there in silence, feeling bad for lashing out but she couldn't help it. Gigi felt out of her body these days, she was nothing like the approachable girl she used to be. She was tense all the time, pushing everyone away without even realizing it.

 **gigigoode** : _i didn't mean to sound so harsh_

 **gigigoode** : _it means that i ate an apple for dinner and i'm feeling guilty about it, it means how i look is all i got and it's not even much_

Even Gigi was surprised about what she said but it felt nice to talk to a stranger. Crystal didn't seem like the kind to judge but she still had a reputation to keep. If Elena knew she was this obsessed with how she looked she would never stop making fun of her. Gigi put her phone on silent and left it on her bed to finish her homework.

Crystal froze when she saw Gigi's answer. She grew up learning to love herself, not to care about whatever other people thought about her but apparently this wasn't the case for Gigi. She didn't understand how this beautiful girl would feel bad about herself.

 **crystalm** : _you have a lot more than you give yourself credit for goode_

Gigi didn't reply.

The next day Crystal saw Gigi rushing to the gym in the school's parking lot. She was already wearing her uniform and was practically running, probably because of how the weather wasn't suitable for the uniform.

Crystal was leaning against her car, smoking a cigarette. She was waiting for Jan, the one and only person she could call a friend, for their daily morning rant session.

"You look gay as hell!" Jan commented about her outfit while sprinting towards her and embracing her in a hug. Crystal rolled her eyes and watched Gigi disappear into the field. Jan caught who she was watching quickly and let out a small laugh. "Walk me to the practice, you can see Gigi more this way." Crystal slapped her arm lightly.

"It's not like that! I wasn't watching her... just observing?" She sounded unsure but still walked her friend to practice.

Jan and Crystal were not exactly the pair you would expect to see in high school. They were friends for a long while and didn't plan to change it in the near future. They talked about some school drama while walking to the field, where Crystal saw Gigi with the rest of the cheerleaders. She had her best friend Nicky by her side and was laughing. Or did laugh until their eyes met and she looked away with a serious look on her face.

"Girl, you are out of your element today but I need to go. Wait for me when the school ends, okay?" Jan didn't wait for an answer and run towards the rest of the cheerleaders. They were practicing a lot since the big game was only a few days away. Crystal stood there for a few moments, watched Jan talk to a much more confident looking Gigi. She didn’t seem like the fragile girl Crystal saw yesterday. Gigi's laugh and ways to help her was all she could think about for the rest of the day.


	2. here is a reason to stay

The day the whole school was waiting for came quicker than Crystal wanted it to. She promised Jan to drive her to the school and a possible victory party on the day of the game so Jan's house was where she headed first thing in the morning. She saw her best friend standing on her driveway with her uniform and perfect makeup on. She pulled over and leaned in to open the passenger seat’s door. Her car was that old but Crystal claimed it had a soul.

“Good morning, you old bitch!” Jan hopped in the car and was talking to it. "Also to you, Crystal! When are you selling this old thing with a soul?" She said with a sarcastic tone. Crystal giggled and took a turn towards their school.

"Auntie doesn't mean it like that Mads." Crystal talked to the car just like Jan did. They were just as dumb as each other and that's what made them a great pair.

"I'm not her auntie, no offense Maddie but you are old enough to be my great great great granny," Jan said and then changed the topic to cheerleading stuff. They were at the school before she could stop whining. Jan left quickly to catch up with the last practice while Crystal made her way to the lockers. 

Meanwhile, Gigi was in the field with her friends, having fun until Elena arrived. The head cheerleader was supposedly their friend but everyone either envied or hated her secretly. The second part was more common in the cheerleading squad and the first one in the rest of the school.

"Good morning losers. If you mess up this last practice I will make sure to choose new people for the team. Now get to your places!" Gigi rolled her eyes earning a giggle from Nicky.

"Look at Jan mimicking El." She turned around to see Jan making exaggerated faces. She laughed but deep inside, looking at Jan just reminded her of Crystal. The only person who knew her secret was just an acquaintance and Gigi had felt to sick to her stomach thinking about someone else learning it.

The game went well for their school, this meant Crystal had to be the designated driver for Jan. She knew this was Jan's way of encouraging her to make more friends, she could have a drive home from any guy if she wanted to. Crystal ignored her agenda and planned to stay outside and smoke with a few of the other outcasts the whole night.

After the game and the cheers ended, she followed the cheerleaders to wait for her friend and stopped near the locker room. She leaned against a wall and took her phone out to text her mother. Then she saw someone leave the locker room from the corner of her eye and looked up to see Elena with Gigi and Nicky by her side. The unholy trinity, as the other people called them.

"Spying much lesbo?" Gigi and Nicky froze to the comment Elena made. Crystal let out a little laugh, her way of dealing with comments like these were simply not caring about it.

"Homophobia is so 80's Elena, thought you would know." Jan was walking towards them when Crystal finished her sentence. Elena rolled her eyes and walked away with the girls while Jan held Crystal's arm. She didn't ask about the interaction and it made Crystal uncomfortable knowing Jan called that girl a friend. They were walking down the corridor arm in arm, Jan talking about some football jock when Crystal saw Gigi leaving her friends to use the bathroom. It was odd since they had bathrooms in the locker room.

"Jan, I need to pee so can you wait for me near Mads?" Crystal said, cutting Jan's sentence half. Jan nodded quickly and left with fast steps while Crystal made her way to the ladies' room. She got in and didn't forget to close the door, thinking Gigi wouldn't want to be seen with her. She found Gigi checking herself in the mirror, her hands gripping the not-so-hygienic looking sink's edge.

"You okay Geege?" Gigi looked up and smiled at Crystal. She knew Crystal meant no harm but couldn't help to feel invaded in some ways.

"You look nice today," Gigi said after taking a look at Crystal, thinking the compliment would take her mind away from the question. Crystal was wearing knee-high white boots with platform heels, a plaid beige short skirt, and a simple black turtleneck. She felt 70's that day and looked very different than her usual colorful self.

"That's because I don't look like myself!" Crystal joked while she checked Gigi. She was gorgeous in every possible way, wearing thigh-high snake patterned shoes with a red dress that hugged her body perfectly and a matching red corset on top of the dress. "You are the one to talk, you look gorgeous." Crystal's voice got very high in a way and Gigi found it adorable.

"I do not like liars Methyd." Gigi talked like it was such a clear thing that she wasn't good looking that left Crystal very confused and reminded her why she was there.

"Have you eaten today?" Crystal was unsure to ask but wanted to know. Gigi looked down at her skinny hands and didn't answer. "I really don't want to interfere but you know you should. You probably know why you should better than I do. You had a very active day-" Crystal stopped after seeing how uncomfortable Gigi looked. She was looking away, it felt like she wasn't really there. Crystal stepped in and patted her arm in a caring way.

"I know you are right but you don't know how it is, how I am. I have to do this. Don't talk to me again, I mean it." Gigi said, looking at Crystal's hand on her arm. Then she left, leaving Crystal's hand hang in air and Crystal speechless.

Gigi was trying to get her mind off herself at the party. She was in the living room of the house the party was held at, some guy from the team had his arm wrapped around her waist. She felt so conscious about her waist as if the guy would clock her for how thick it was. She was holding a red cup she barely drank from, counting the sips to make sure she wasn't consuming excessive calories. The guy she barely knew was talking about how important to the team he was but all Gigi was thinking about was herself.

"I need to refresh my makeup, excuse me." She cut him off to make her way to the bathroom. As soon as she locked the door she poured the cheap beer down the drain. She stood there in silence for a little while, looking at her reflection like she never saw it before.

"Finally a trip to the bathroom without that Crystal girl." She whispered jokingly to herself but stopped smiling as soon as she saw how horrid she looked. She fixed her slightly dizzy hair with her fingertips. Her hands were a little bit shaky but determined to fix her appearance.

She thought she was supposed to be beautiful. She had all the qualities other people deemed pretty. Ice blue eyes, a beautiful pale skin, long legs... Gigi had it all but she thought it somehow didn't go together. She thought she looked like Corpse Bride but with long spider legs. She wasn't as skinny as she should be, at least that was what the magazines told her.

Gigi knew the guy outside lied to her. She wasn't stunning at all, she was flawed in every possible way. That guy liked the idea of dating a girl like Gigi. He wanted to tell his friends how he spent the night with one of the cheerleaders, not deal with her imperfections. Knowing his intentions, she didn't even bother to learn his name. She shook her head, trying to get rid of her thoughts while tightening her corset. The corset both looked chic and hid her bloated tummy, it was a win-win situation. Gigi tightened it way more than she should before leaving the bathroom.

Gigi looked around for a while but couldn't find Nicky and the guy from earlier was already with another girl. All she did was swear under her breath while looking around, regretting not coming in her own car. The more she walked around the house, the more she felt aware of herself. Her knees felt week, every single one of her steps felt like stomping. Her breathing became heavier. It felt like she was running around, trying to find someone to hold on to. 

Gigi stopped suddenly, knowing she couldn't afford to panic with so many people who knew her around. She took a deep breath, put her hand on her chest, and could feel her rapid heartbeat. Feeling like everyone was looking at her, she knew she had to fake confidence. So she did, she straightened her back and smiled slightly while heading outside from the front door.

The fresh air made her shiver. She was about to call a cab until she saw Crystal across the street, smoking with a few friends around her. Yes, she was very sweet to her but she was also too nosy. Gigi stood there, arms wrapped around herself. She felt like crying because of the cold, she couldn't remember the last time the world felt warm.

Their eye's connected while Crystal was laughing at a dumb joke one of the girls around her made. She eyed Gigi and the first thing she noticed was how pink her cute, button nose was. Crystal smiled to her, trying to encourage her to come over but Gigi looked away almost immediately.

"I'm gonna take my jacket from my car guys." Crystal said to the people she was smoking with. She wasn't cold but she knew Gigi wouldn't approach her with so many people around. She was trying to open her old Beetle's door desperately until she heard Gigi's heeled boots behind.

"Can we stop talking after you take me home?" Gigi said, sounding very cocky. She sounded like the girl everyone knew her as.

"How are you so sure that I will take you home?" Crystal finally opened the door before Gigi rolled her eyes and walked over to the passenger side. She tried to open the door and shook it a little when she couldn't. Crystal let out a little laughter, got in, and leaned in to open the door from inside.

"How old is this car? A hundred or something?"

"Be respectful to Mads, Geeg. She is taking you home! Also buckle up because," Crystal lowered her voice like she was sharing a secret. "she really is old." Gigi giggled.

"She has a name? Why am I not even surprised?" Then the brunette gave Crystal her address while Crystal turned on the last song she was listening to: Stop The World I Wanna Get Off With You. They were silent for a while, then Gigi broke it.

"I wish I could." She said silently. Crystal turned her head to take a look at her for a second with a puzzled expression. "Get off the world I mean." She sighed. Her face was full of sorrow, it made Crystal's heart ach with empathy.

"Can I take you somewhere? I will take you home right after, I promise." Gigi was surprised but she accepted regardless.

Crystal took a sharp turn leading up to a hill looking over the city. This was where she came when she felt down, her secret spot almost. They went for a little while before she stopped the car in front of a breathtaking view. She took her big and cozy jacket from the backseat before stepping out.

Gigi followed her and they both leaned to the front of the car, looking at the city lights together. Crystal pulled out a cigarette from her jacket and lighted it. She messaged Jan before turning to Gigi, who was still looking away and looking as beautiful as ever. We Fell In Love In October was playing in the car and they were hearing it muffled. They shared a calming moment before she saw Gigi shiver and put her jacket over her shoulders.

Gigi smiled and almost hugged the jacket. Crystal wasn't even that cold, she assumed Gigi felt it more because of how thin she was. She was admiring how cute her oversize jacket looked on Gigi right before she started speaking. 

"I've always admired you, you know? By now you know I'm not the biggest fan of myself but you are... You are something else. You are so unapologetically yourself, never seem to mind others. I envy that." Gigi talked while looking down at her hands. Crystal was astonished by the confession.

"It's my mom." Crystal said with a little smile and took the cigarette to her mouth to take a smoke. "I was an out and proud queer kid even back when I was 12. She taught me how to love myself, told me how beautiful I am whenever she can. That's why I never believed the bullies." Crystal saw Gigi rubbing her hands together to warm up. "Here, let me help. I always have warm hands." She said before taking Gigi's hands into her own.

"You really do," Gigi said, letting Crystal warm herself up. She was looking deep into Crystal's brown eyes and could swear she saw some stars flickering there. "Sorry, I am always cold for some reason." And with that, she burst into tears. Crystal saw Gigi vulnerable in this last week but never sobbing, she dragged her closer to a hug by almost tugging on their connected hands.

"It's okay, you are safe with me. Safe from yourself even." Crystal whispered to Gigi's ear by raising her head closer. 

"I'm just so tired. Tired of being cold, tired of the numbers I count, tired of not feeling like myself..." Gigi said into Crystal's shoulder. Crystal let their hands loose to caress her hair. "Tired of the uncertainty. I just want to know why I am like the way I am."

"You know how much of a big step this is, right?" Crystal pulled back to face her and put her hand against Gigi's cheek to wipe her tears gently. "You wanting to address your issue is a big step, knowing you are not okay is a big step."

They were inches away from each other, whispering while their noses were almost touching. Gigi glanced at Crystal's lips before pulling away.

"It's getting late, can you drop me off please?" She was now looking away from Crystal, not being entirely sure about the "big step" she was supposedly taking. Was she taking it? Or was this just some ranting that would pass the next day?

Gigi was almost zoned out on the way back. She wished Crystal a good night before leaving her car and practically ran to her room. She realized the jacket was still on her shoulders after she made it to her room, put it over her chair to remember to return it the next Monday.

She put on We Fell In Love In October while undressing, facing away from her mirror. She was either obsessed with the mirror or ran from it, there was no in-between.

Gigi wore some oversized and cozy pajamas on before snuggling under her blanket. She was texting Nicky, asking her where she went when she got an odd notification.

** crystalm ** :  _ have you read pjo as a kid? _

** gigigoode ** :  _ yeah? _

** crystalm ** :  _ they are turning it into a series _

** crystalm ** : _ you said you wanted to get off the world, here is a reason to stay _

Gigi replied with an emoji before turning off her phone. She put the phone next to her pillow and glanced at Crystal's jacket, all with a silly smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again! Hope you like this chapter and feedback is appreciated! The being cold part in this chapter is based on a friend of mine who struggled and still struggles with anorexia so this was a bit emotional to write but hope i reflected my feelings right, tysm if you are reading this silly little fic <3


	3. nothing to get through

Gigi spent most of the weekend over at Nicky's to catch up on some school work and watch a few movies together. It was fun to be just the two of them since they were too busy with the cheerleading and being sore because of it all the time lately. They enjoyed their little rest until Gigi's father texted her on Sunday afternoon, asking her to come home. She was surprised but delighted and headed home quick to spent the evening with both of her parents in God knows how long.

Miss Martin opened the door for her when she arrived home and Gigi didn't waste a minute running to her room to change. She wanted the spend every minute together, their schedules rarely lined up like this.

"Hey guys," Gigi said while settling in the puffy white couch next to her father. "What do I owe the pleasure of having both of you home?"

"Nothing, Vieve," her mother said with a reassuring smile, "We will leave the town for a little while, there is a conference we want to catch. We just wanted to spend an evening together before we leave." Gigi cuddled into her father's arms with a big smile on her face and watched her parents discuss the movie options.

Gigi's mother was a trauma surgeon and chief of surgery while her father was a successful plastic surgeon at the same hospital. She was used to seeing Nicky more than her parents, which made her appreciate the time they spent together more. She even enjoyed the little conflicts, the old school movies and all the tickling until she cried with laughter more than anything else in the world.

Her parents took no time to choose a movie. It was odd, they would usually take their time and argue a little bit but Gigi paid no mind and watched the movie with them in the dimly lighted room. Her father offered her some snacks by holding a bowl of chips close and she refused with a kind smile.

The movie was kind of old, probably an 80's one, but it was still flowing nicely. She enjoyed it until the movie took a sharp turn she didn't see coming. Gigi shuffled in her place uncomfortably when the blonde girl on the screen started making herself puke. The last thing she wanted to do was watch someone like her when she was in denial herself.

"Are you okay?" Her dad whispered to her ear, "You seem like your mind is somewhere else."

"Yeah, I'm fine," Gigi whispered back, "It's just that... Why are we watching this movie? It's kind of gross."

"How is it gross Vieve?" Her mother was leaning to see her from where she was sitting now, she had an expression on her face Gigi couldn't entirely read. She wondered how did she even hear their conversation when she looked so invested in the movie.

"All the vomiting and stuff..." Gigi pulled away from her father's arm, facing both of her parents with a confused look on her face. "Why are you both so interested in this little remark?"

Gigi watched her mother let out a sigh before turning the television off and got up to sit next to her. She turned her confused eyes to her father who was staring at his lap in silence. Gigi knew where this conversation was leading, she felt it the moment her father asked that unnecessary question. A shiver went down her spine and her ears started ringing. She looked straight ahead to nothing specific, waiting for her lecture.

"A little while ago, when I came home to spend a Sunday with you I realized how much weight you have lost," Her father broke the silence, keeping his voice low. "I asked Miss Martin to keep a track of what you have been eating." The last sentence made Gigi's blood boil.

"You did what?" She got up yelling, stepped away from the couch. She stood in the middle of their living room, not knowing what to do. "Do you know how much that invades my privacy?"

"We were worried about you," her mother spoke with a soft tone like her father's. "You can't blame us for that."

"And we were right about our worries." Gigi took a deep breath and turned around to face her parents.

"You were not right about shit!" She watched her mother scowl for a moment before turning her enraged eyes to her father. "18 years of living without a single concern from my parents and now... Now they are suddenly concerned about me! I grew up with nannies, you missed every single event that was important for me. You are either over-working or at a conference somewhere across the country."

"You know we are doing all of this for you," her father stopped for a second, looking over to her mom like he was asking for reassurance. "You know we care about you, we try to be here as much as we can."

"Vieve, just please accept our help. I prepared everything, you're going to have a full check-up and see the best psychologist in town tomorrow." Her mother got up to grab her hand which she pulled back with a swift motion. "We will get through this, together."

"A check-up and therapy! How considerate of you," Gigi said with a mocking voice. "No... No, I won't do these tomorrow. No, we are not going to get through this together because there is nothing to get through!" A week ago, she would believe the last sentence with her whole heart but now she wasn't so sure.

Gigi climbed up the stairs with tears forming in her eyes. She locked the door as soon as she got in her room and sat down right in front of it, pulling her knees to her chest. She didn't even have enough energy to sob, she put her cheek on her knees and zoned out thinking about all the uncertainties she had. Despite wearing cozy pajamas made with thick material, the world never felt colder.

On Monday morning Gigi woke up to an empty house. Her parents were already gone so she had the smallest portion of overnight oats in serenity for breakfast. Dressing up took a short time, she would never sleep without planning the next day's outfit. The outfit of the day was a black, satin, spaghetti-strapped top on top of a white turtle neck paired with black and straight-legged jeans. This outfit was just to complement Crystal's plaid puffer jacket with some edginess. Her way of expressing herself was her clothes and her appearance was always an important aspect of her life.

Despite not being so excited about the school she wanted to see Crystal. She tried so hard to push her away but she needed the attention and affection that came from her. After all, she was the only one who knew about her struggles.

Gigi walked into school with her head held up and made her way to her locker which was right across Nicky's. She didn't see her around but thought she was probably late knowing how much she loved to sleep. She closed her locker to see a certain blonde she didn't want to deal with at 7 in the morning.

"What is this outfit?" Elena was eyeing her outfit, visibly hating it presumably because of the mere fact that it wasn't a dress. "Are you becoming one of those internet girls?"

"Good morning to you too, Elena!" She hugged her books and leaned against the lockers. "Did you need something?"

"No, I was just looking for Nicky. Tell her to find me if you see her, 'kay?" Gigi offered her life's most insincere smile to Elena and watched her walk away, fortunately to the opposite direction of the class she was headed.

Gigi didn't hear from Nicky until lunchtime. She overslept and decided to miss just the day. The day when Gigi finally felt it was time to talk to her. Gigi didn't feel safe enough to eat with other people around when Nicky wasn't there with her. That is why she grabbed a book and a green apple and went straight to the bleachers. It was a beautiful spring day without many clouds so she didn't feel so cold, also she had Crystal's big jacket with her to keep her warm.

"Can I sit with you? Jan left me to eat someone's face." Gigi was deeply invested in 'The Bus Driver Who Wanted To Be God' when she heard Crystal asking her a question and then not waiting for an answer to sit next to her. She crossed her legs, facing her.

"Seems like you can." She talked without taking her eyes off the book. Everyone around her acted like they were obliged to annoy her.

"So... Why are you here, Miss Goode? This is my spot, you know?" Crystal didn't mind Gigi still not looking at her and talked with her usual, excited tone. "Also, great jacket!"

"I was gonna return it but it suits me better," Gigi said, clearly joking, while putting her bookmarker in between the pages.

"Keep it, it really does look good on you. I have a puffer jacket obsession anyways." Crystal was pointing at her orange jacket while talking. Gigi thought she didn't look half bad when she checked Crystal's outfit. She was wearing an orange turtleneck with a graphic white t-shirt and light blue straight-legged jeans, paired with chunky white boots and the orange jacket they were talking about.

"I hate the fact that we are kind of wearing the different versions of the same outfit." Crystal laughed at this comment a bit excessively in a way Gigi found cute. Everything about this girl was adorable, no matter how nosy she was. Then they heard the school bell reminding them to head to their classes. Gigi got up quickly, she hated being late and drawing unnecessary attention. Crystal grabbed her hand before she could leave.

"You should stay to watch Wristcutters with me." Crystal told her with a smile. "It is based on the last story of the book you're reading."

Gigi's mind went to the moment she overshared in Crystal's car, talking about how she wanted to get off the world. She looked at their connected hands and then to Crystal. Her eyes were glistening and her hair looked bronze with the sun hitting her face. She knew at that moment what she needed to do.

"Can you take me to the hospital after school? I need someone by my side." Crystal nodded with a gentle smile on her face and watched the brunette walk to the school while calling someone.

Crystal waited near her car for about ten minutes after the school ended. She was cursing about not asking for Gigi's number before she saw Gigi approaching her. She was walking with slow steps. Crystal wasn't sure if this was because she didn't want to be seen with her or she really didn't want to visit the hospital. She got in the car and opened the door for Gigi, watched her put the jacket and her backpack in the backseat before buckling up.

"Why are you watching me?" Gigi said, not looking at Crystal.

"Cause I'm a creep." Crystal said while shrugging, Gigi let out the littlest laughter. "You are leaving your car here?"

"Yeah, I haven't used it since the match anyways. I'll just take a cab tomorrow." Then she told Crystal which hospital they were going to.

"Isn't this a bit late in the day for a hospital visit?" Here she was, the curious Crystal was out again.

"It's never late when one of your parents is the chief of surgery." She had a joyless smile on her face while talking. "Not late for me anyway. Them, on the other hand, are late for everything or simply just absent." Crystal wasn't entirely sure about how to approach her yet so she chose to be silent instead of saying something wrong. It took a lot of will power but they remained silent until they reached the hospital.

They left the car together and Gigi took the lead while heading to take some blood samples. Everything and everyone was already waiting for her, it was clear she was expected that day. Gigi settled in the big chair and rolled up her sleeves, waiting for the nurse. Crystal, unsure of why she truly was there, stood stiffly next to the chair.

"Hey girls!" A nurse approached them, he was radiating so much positive energy compared to frowning Gigi on the chair. "Aren't you a ray of sunshine Miss Goode?" Crystal felt Gigi getting even tenser.

"You don't have to be nice to me, just..." Gigi inhaled sharply, making her shoulders rise up and down, "Just get this over with."

"Oh trust me, I know that." Crystal giggled to the nurse's commentary, earning a wink from him and a mad look from Gigi. The nurse put the tourniquet on while Crystal was making defensive gestures.

Gigi's face shifted the moment he put the needle in, making Crystal lean in to grab her hand. She squeezed the perfectly manicured hand, Gigi tangled their hands while the nurse changed in between the sample tubes.

"Okay, we are done here. I'll send the results to your doctor and your parents." The nurse gave Gigi a cotton ball to put pressure on the little wound to prevent bruising. Crystal thanked the nurse before they left the room, their hands still intertwined.

"Now what?" Crystal asked while walking fast to reach Gigi but still falling a bit behind.

"Oh, right." Gigi stopped in front of the elevator and turned to face Crystal. "Mom wants me to see a psychologist. You can leave if you want to."

"I don't," Crystal smiled and pushed the elevator's button. "You seem like you know your way around here."

"I practically grew up here." They walked into the elevator and Gigi pressed the button that said '7'. Crystal caught Gigi looking at their hands in the mirror before pulling her hand away, acting like she was fixing her hair. "You can leave anytime, okay? Don't feel obliged to stay."

"I said I am staying Geeg." Crystal said with a reassuring tone, looking at Gigi's reflection.

"I like that." Crystal turned to look at Gigi herself, one of her eyebrows raised but still smiling. "Geeg... Sounds like geez."

"That's what the goddess herself deserves." Crystal bowed jokingly, making Gigi laugh. The elevator made a 'ding' sound, informing them they have arrived. Gigi led the way again until they reached a comfy looking lounge.

"I will be right down the corridor, you can wait here." Gigi looked like she wanted to say something, probably to ask Crystal to leave but didn't. She waited until the other girl settled up in one of the armchairs and made her a gesture to leave.

Crystal watched her walk away with her head held down. Even her body language gave away her feelings. Crystal didn't know if this was because Gigi trusted her enough to let her guard down or it was simply because she was about to get treatment for something she couldn't even accept in the first place.

Crystal waited for a long while, seeming a lot longer to her considering she desperately wanted to smoke. She didn't leave because she didn't want Gigi to come out, vulnerable, and dispirited to not find her waiting. Every other person waiting around her left, she watched the sunset from the big windows in the lounge and killed time on her phone. She opened up a snap from Jan, saying "guess where i am rn" and replied with snapping the view from the window and writing the same thing. She received a phone call within the same minute.

"Why are you in the hospital? Are you okay? Why didn't you tell me any-" Crystal rolled her eyes despite knowing she couldn't see her. How did she even figure out where she was this quick?

"Oh my God, Jan! Could you shut up for a second?" She heard whining from the other line. "I'm okay, I'm here with someone."

"Haha, that's funny! Tell another one Crys."

"I'm serious! I'm just being a good companion and waiting here!" Her high voice was defensive and she was unsure about telling her who she was with.

"Waiting for who?" Jan was shushing someone and talking with her at the same time. "Crys, we both know you have no other friends and don't want to make any." Crystal was listening to Jan when someone stood up in front of her. She knew who it was but still raised her head to see her eyes.

"Can you be quick? I don't want to be here for a second longer." Gigi said, not caring about Crystal putting her index finger on her mouth to warn her.

"Is that Gi-" Crystal ended the call without listening to the end of the sentence. She got up and followed Gigi to the elevator. Jan would surely talk about this way more than she should and Crystal's head was already aching thinking about all the things she had to say.

They got in the elevator and stood quietly. Gigi didn't seem like she wanted to talk but Crystal was aching to know how it went. She tried speaking a few times but opted out. Gigi finally talked whilst they were exiting the hospital.

"Just ask already." Crystal was surprised thinking about how she didn't even turn to look at her but realized her struggle.

"Do you want to talk about it?" They were in front of Crystal's car now. Gigi, knowing the door wouldn't open anyway, stood next to the passenger door waiting for Crystal to get in and open the door for her.

"I can't believe I am saying this but I actually do," Gigi said while buckling up. "Take me to your hill again but I'm not leaving the car this time."

"You can have this jacket too!" Crystal protested with a little laughter and drove away to the hill.

Crystal parked the car against the breathtaking view and unbuckled herself while Gigi did the same. It wasn't that long of a drive but it went quiet in a comfortable way. She turned her whole body to Gigi, studying every single one of the features of her beautiful face. Crystal knew she should just see her as a friend but Gigi Goode was too beautiful to be true. She was also too fragile to be loved, not yet anyway.

"Memorizing, I assume?" Gigi said, mirroring Crystal's movement and turning to her.

"Observing." Crystal said with a whispering tone. "Why don't you look at the view? You wanted to come here."

"I'm observing too," Gigi whispered back. "So the appointment..." She started talking without even Crystal having to ask. Crystal watched her with big eyes, listening to every single word she had to say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I didn't plan to update every 5 days but I guess that is what I'm doing now. I really appreciate all the comments so please make sure to leave one, criticism is loved in this household so read me down below <3 See you in 5 days probably(?)


	4. i might like you

Crystal parked her car and walked through her gate and unlocked the black front door of her house, all while looking out of her body. Her cheek felt on fire, it felt like Gigi's plump and glossed up lips were still placed on there.

Those few seconds when Gigi left that little kiss was playing in her head over and over again. The way she whispered _"Good night."_ before leaving her car, the way she didn't take her eyes away from Crystal's for a second while talking about her conversation with the psychologist, the way she made her heart skip a beat... The way it was so wrong to even crush on Gigi right now, in her most vulnerable time when all she needed was a friend.

"You fucking bitch!" Crystal heard Jan’s scream when she walked through the door, saw her running towards herself and dropped her bag knowing what was coming her way.

"Janice, language!" Crystal's mom warned Jan who was too busy with jumping at Crystal's back.

"Jan, let me go! I can explain!" Crystal was trying to reach Jan desperately while whining with her high tone, "I'm a fragile lady, get off!"

Jan jumped down from her back and showed Crystal the stairs. Crystal looked at her mom who was telling her she wasn't getting involved by gestures. She sighed climbing the stairs, followed by Jan who didn't forget to spank her ass jokingly earning an _"ouch"_ from Crystal. Jan walked in the room she was so used to being in and settled in the colorful steps leading up to Crystal's bed on the half a level high platform, ready to interrogate her best friend.

"Start with the gloss stain on your cheek." Crystal closed her door and ran to the bathroom she had inside the room. There it was, Gigi Goode's cherry colored gloss stain on her cheek.

"What stain?" She yelled to Jan while washing it. She left the bathroom with wet cheeks and eyes glued down to the floor. This was the first time in her life she was in something she couldn't talk to Jan about. As much as she loved her best friend, she knew she had the biggest mouth.

"I knew Gigi and Jaida were off, but I didn't know she was interested in you. Why didn't you tell me?" Jan was brushing her jet-black hair with her thin fingers with carefully painted lilac nails.

"I-" Crystal looked back at Jan and tried to speak, not knowing Gigi and Jaida were ever a thing but the way-too-excited girl didn't let her.

"Would you even told me if I didn't recognize her voice?" Her tone got lower towards the end of the sentence, Crystal quickly made her way to the stairs and sat down a few levels lower than Jan.

"Jan, this isn't something like that," Crystal reached to hold her best friend's hand, "I can't tell you, but it is not, you just need to believe me. I didn't even know she wasn't straight!" Jan looked taken back and a little _"oh"_ escaped her mouth. She was looking at Crystal with a confused look on her face.

"Then what is this? If she isn't one of your flings, then what are you to each other?" Crystal got up and walked away from Jan, not knowing what to do with herself at that moment or what they were.

"I don't know," Crystal sighed, looking at herself in her mirror. She mimicked Jan and played with her hair while talking, it was a tangled mess to say the least. "I'm just somebody she needs at the moment, that's all I can say." She was now looking at Jan from the mirror.

"I'm so confused, Crys." Jan sighed while looking down. "Even Nicky doesn't know anything about you two and she knows everything about Gigi."

"I'm confused too." Crystal made her way to her dresser and took out two sets of pajamas, throwing one to Jan. She caught them in the air and started undressing just like Crystal. Two of them slipped into the comfortable clothes. Crystal sat on the stairs this time while Jan was spinning in her desk chair. Crystal took her phone out to scroll around while Jan was picking a song to fill the silence.

 **crystalm:** i can't believe you trusted jan enough to give her a secret

Jan started blasting a pop song Crystal didn't know and dancing around like a maniac. Crystal shot a quick video of her to send to Gigi, captioned _"why would you ever trust this idiot???"_ Then she got up to dance with her. She might've called Jan an idiot, but she never refused to be an idiot herself.

"You need to dye my hair!" Jan screamed in between the lyrics. Crystal walked to the stairs to grab her phone; it was already 8 in the night.

"Get the dye then," Crystal checked her notifications while talking to Jan. “, and change your t-shirt this time!" Jan left the room, probably going downstairs to get the boxed dye from her bag she left somewhere around the house. Crystal opened Instagram to check the snap Gigi sent back. It was a picture of her and Nicky making funny faces captioned with _"the bitch caught us, i'm not THAT dumb"._ Crystal was surprised she got the context without having to ask but then again, she knew they were not that close with Jan.

Crystal felt relieved in a way. Relieved that Gigi looked happy, relieved that she wasn't adoring someone who would never love her back...

~~~~~~

Gigi left Crystal's car with fast steps, blushing as she made her way to her room. She wasn't sure why she decided to kiss the auburn-haired girl. Gigi was an affectionate friend but were they even friends?

Something deep inside of Gigi was constantly saying Crystal was taking care of her because she was pitying her. Crystal was so fond of her, but Gigi kept thinking it was too good to be true.

"Was that Crystal Methyd that just dropped you off?" She was caught by surprise when she saw Nicky on her bed, already wearing one of Gigi's nightgowns.

"Maybe," Gigi dropped her bag next to the door. "Why are you here?"

"Jan called me saying you two were in the hospital together." Gigi rolled her eyes, that must be who Crystal was on phone with. "Don't roll your eyes at me Miss Goode!"

"Okay, mom." Gigi got into her way too big of a walk-in-closet to change, followed by Nicky. She wore long legged pajama bottoms with a tank top, not feeling enough warm to wear a nightgown yet.

"Will you even explain?" Gigi turned to Nicky, on the ottoman placed at the middle of the room. "And whose jacket is that?"

"It's not what you think it is," Gigi hanged the jacket carefully, "Would you be mad if I didn't want to explain?"

Nicky knew her friend was not okay in the last few months; she wasn’t as confident as she used to be, she could tell it when Gigi was faking the confidence and it was constant lately. She didn’t know the problem fully, but Gigi seemed happy for the first time in a while and that was all that mattered to her.

"As long as you don't ruin art with Crystal for me..." Nicky mumbled under her breath. She wanted to push Gigi to know more but couldn't bring herself to disrupt her joy. Gigi smiled and leaned in to place a kiss to her best friend's forehead.

"Go pick a movie, I'll take my makeup off." Gigi knew Nicky was picking an 90's high school movie, probably one that they have already watched but couldn't care less. She was happy, light-headed in a way.

She headed to her bathroom while Nicky went back to the main area of the room. She took her makeup off and went back to see Nicky in her bed, checking her phone while waiting for her. Gigi cuddled up next to her best friend, pulling the blanket over her legs.

"You have a text from Crystal," Nicky said while handing Gigi her phone from the nightstand on her side. She almost snatched the phone from her best friend's hand to see the message. "Eager much?" Nicky joked.

 **crystalm:** i can't believe you trusted jan enough to give her a secret

There was also a video of Jan dancing like her limbs weren't attached to her body. Gigi showed it to Nicky, and they laughed together. She opened her camera, pulling Nicky close to take a picture. She captioned it _"the bitch caught us, i'm not THAT dumb"_ and hit sent.

Gigi thought back to when Jan caught her and Jaida "exploring" their bisexuality in the locker room when the cheer team first formed. She was surprised Jan could keep the secret this long. Jan’s mouth was always running, talking about anything and everything.

"Jan shared your precious secret?" Gigi put her phone down before turning to Nicky.

"It's not that precious, you know that." Gigi wasn't entirely sure about her sexuality and after a while of exploring, she decided she would rather not label herself. Not that there was anything wrong with labeling, it was just how she felt comfortable. Then the girls watched the movie, their hands intertwined and their laughter mixed.

The following days Crystal and Gigi barely interacted. It all consisted of a few kind smiles shared here and there until Friday, where they ran into each other at the bleachers again. It was Gigi who approached Crystal this time. She took in how her skin glowed before calling out to gain her attention.

"Hi Crys!" Crystal was pleasantly surprised to hear Gigi calling her for the first time since the hospital visit. She patted next to her, gesturing the brunette to sit.

"You are calling me Crys now?" Gigi replied with a smile and settled next to Crystal, straightening the back of her skirt with her hands before sitting. "How have you been?"

"Oh, better," Gigi said, looking away to the field, "Mom got me started on some vitamins and iron supplies, all of that ugly stuff."

"That's great but how have you been mentally?" Crystal saw Gigi hesitating. She let out a big sighed and turned to Crystal, a polite smile was on her nude painted lips.

"Better," Their hands were resting close to one another in so Crystal moved her pinky over Gigi's one, trying to encourage her to speak. Gigi got startled for a split second, not realizing their hands were that close in the first place but enjoyed the warmth Crystal radiated. "My therapist said to mom I was on the first step or something: Accepting I have a problem. To be honest with you, I didn't fully realize all of this before I saw the blood work results."

"You realized, at the end of the day that's all that matters." The brunette girl nodded slowly as a response, moved her hand further into the palm of Crystal’s one.

"The therapist said she was here to help me make better choices, not to offer me a magical cure."

They remained silent for a while after the last sentence before Crystal's eyes lighted up with an idea coming to her.

"Are you a cat or a dog person?" Gigi was confused but she was almost used to Crystal's quirky mind, so she answered.

"Of course I am a cat person!" She acted like she was offended this was even asked. "Look at how sassy and independent cats are! I'm not just a cat person, I'm also secretly a cat myself."

"Then you should meet my cat!" Crystal pulled out her phone to show Gigi her lock screen: a selfie taken in her bed that involved Jan and Queen the cat held by Jan. "Her name is Queen because, look at her, she is one!"

"I love the keeping me on earth ways you find." Gigi talked so quietly that Crystal leaned in without realizing to make sure she was hearing it right. Right then she saw Nicky and Jan approaching them from Gigi’s side, giggling together until Jan saw Crystal’s phone on Gigi’s hand.

"Are you talking about my baby Queen?" Jan said, looking at the phone while she seated next to Crystal. "She is the best cuddling kitty, probably because she is the only one."

"I'm already so bored of this cat talk!" The French girl spoke with a light accent, making Jan act like she was hurt by the comment. "Gigi, would you mind it if I invited these two to our movie night?"

Crystal felt out of place to be surrounded with this many people outside of her social group but didn't let it get to her. After all, she was friends with all of them individually so what could go wrong with all of them hanging?

"Oh my god, you should come!" Gigi turned to Crystal with an excited look on her face. "We were planning to watch the movie you recommended." Jan excitedly agreed for both of them, not leaving any time for Crystal to decline the offer even though Gigi was talking to Crystal and Crystal only.

Crystal spent the rest of her school day thinking about if Gigi was falsely leading her on or this was on her mind because she learnt Gigi wasn't straight. The way she never ran from her affection, always completing the touches Crystal started, the way she kissed her cheek very slow and tender…

She has been the lesbian friend who helped a "friend" about their sexuality before realizing whatever she was feeling was one-sided. It was an unpleasant experience she didn't want to go through again.

The girls settled in Gigi's large couch, sitting in the same order as when they were on the bleachers. The coffee table in front of them was full of snacks which kind of made Crystal worry for the brunette next to her. At the store Gigi picked up mixed nuts, the smallest package available, while Nicky and Jan were hunting for the most calorie bearing food. Nicky put the movie on for them, it was clear she has been there many times before with the way she walked around.

"Will we be depressed after this?" Jan said, not caring about her mouth being full of chips, looking at her best friend who was snuggled in her arms.

"No! I mean, maybe at the beginning," Crystal spoke, not sounding sure. "It's kind of fun in an unexpected way, just be patient Janice."

"Janice?" Nicky turned her head to Jan rapidly, fighting to keep her laugher in. "I thought it was just Jan."

"Ugh, I will beat you up..." Crystal sensed what she was going to say, turned around and tried to cover Jan's mouth with her hands. Jan made muffled up sounds while Gigi and Nicky were laughing in the back. Jan spoke with a fake mad look on her face when Crystal finally let go. "You're on thin ice Crystal Elizabeth Methyd.”

"Fight some other time love birds, the movie is starting!" Crystal felt Gigi tense up by Nicky's comment but didn't mind it. Gigi snuggled up in Nicky’s arm, just like the way Jan and Crystal were watching. Their legs were barely touching because Crystal made sure to limit physical contact.

The movie started with the main character's suicide scene, which made Gigi reach for Crystal's hand. Crystal pulled her hand back without even realizing it, making Gigi’s eyebrows furrow.

When Crystal realized Gigi got even closer than they already were she worried, thinking she was letting herself become an emotional support dog again. They were basically tangled halfway through the movie, so she pulled her leg underneath Gigi’s one and acted like it was sore. The more she tried to get closer to Jan the more Gigi scooted to closer, she wasn’t sure if Gigi was aware of the running away game they were playing in the huge couch with their friends squashed to the sides.

Full of memories from her previous relationship, Crystal excused herself to use the bathroom needing a moment away from Gigi. She was walking through the long corridor Nicky pointed her to when she heard Gigi calling her name. Crystal stopped when she was in front of a wall long window looking at the Goode's backyard and turned around to face the brunette.

"What is wrong Geeg?" Anyone who knew Crystal would realize something was off with her at that very moment.

"No, that's not the right question," Gigi was as red as her crop top, which Crystal thought she looked gorgeous in. "What is wrong with you, Crystal?" Gigi emphasized the word _"you"_ , making Crystal look away to the backyard through the window.

"Nothing," Crystal was barely audible, she looked almost lost. She turned back to face Gigi, "Nothing is wrong with me, I just need to use the bathroom."

"You think I'm foolish enough to not realize you were pulling away from me this whole movie?" There was Crystal’s answer, Gigi was aware of the game. She stopped to think for a moment, not wanting to hurt the girl in front of her.

"Geeg, I wasn't trying to hurt you. I wasn't doing whatever you think I'm doing intentionally." That was a lie Crystal felt like she needed to tell. She tried to walk closer to her, but Gigi walked backwards to keep the distance. A silence filled the corridor and in between the girls. Crystal realized Gigi's eyes were watering up but decided to stay where she stood. Finally, Gigi broke the silence.

"I thought you liked me." Gigi was looking right into Crystal's eyes. She watched her take a step back in confusion. Neither of them was expecting those words to slip out of Gigi's lips. "I thought you fucking liked me! Why are you running away from me?"

"Gigi, I'm not run-" Gigi didn't let Crystal talk.

"Am I too much of a freak for you? Am I too much maintenance, too inexperienced?" Crystal knew this wasn't Gigi speaking, this was anxiety speaking for her. This was almost a carbon copy of a fight she had with her previous girlfriend, a moment of what they thought the truth was coming out.

Crystal clenched her fists, swallowed her words, and walked past the brunette with fast steps. She reached the living area quickly to find Nicky and Jan act, and fail, like they weren't interested in what went down on the corridor.

"Are you coming?" Jan knew she was talking to her and nodded quickly. Gigi stood a little farther away in the corridor and watched Crystal walk out the front door with fast but short steps. She watched as Crystal held her auburn hair away from her face with her hands, her face red with anger she couldn’t let out.

Nicky got up quickly when she saw Gigi appear with tears streaming down her face. She embraced the taller girl in a hug, but Gigi didn't respond. She just stood there, looking to the door where Crystal just left. Gigi's phone lighted up with a notification when they were standing in the middle of the living area.

 **crystalm** : i might like you

 **crystalm:** but you don't like me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this is okay, i kind of don't like it but couldn't check it anymore honestly. i had an emotional roller coaster of a day so this might be more depressed than it was before all the editing i did.  
> your comments are so important to me so please make sure to leave one. see you in the next chap!


	5. you and your beautiful mess

A whole month without Crystal. Someone she considered a complete stranger once, who became a friend quickly. Someone that radiated all the positive energy Gigi needed. Someone she needed but lost.

A whole month of eating the least she could, avoiding her parents and Nicky at all costs. The trembling leg she always had, the skin around her nails bitten and whole lot of makeup to cover her dark circles... The dizziness, the medications, and the ear ringing that wouldn’t go away. Everything was too much, too stressful.

Gigi was way slimmer than she was a month ago. She liked it, she wanted to lose even more weight. The feeling of accomplishing something felt good. Finally succeeding at something she did felt more rewarding than she thought it would and she was hungry for more.

Crystal spent the month examining the taller girl whenever she could. She was worried but also angry. She figured Nicky learned when they started eating just the two of them, Nicky picking up whatever she did to make Gigi feel more comfortable.

It was a do-your-own-thing kind of day in the art class that day. Crystal was occupying a whole table and working very dirty when a chair pulled up to her table. Nicky greeted her with a smile and put her sketch book down. She sat down but didn’t start sketching and instead watched Crystal paint.

“Is something wrong?” Crystal asked, putting the brush down.

“You know it is,” Nicky said calmly. “You watch her from afar every day. Crystal, I don’t know what it about you is that broke her stubbornness but I need it. Her parents need it.”

“Too much for art class, don’t you think?” Crystal looked down and examined the paint all over her hands. "What am I supposed to do? I don't think she wants to talk to me."

"Are you kidding me? You are the only person she wants to talk to." She snapped finally.

“Let me talk to her, bring her to the bleachers.” Crystal said, bringing her eyes to meet with the French girl’s ones. It was all she could come up with, it was all she could make it make sense then. Nicky agreed with a nod and left, leaving Crystal to scribble with the anxiety clouding her mind.

Crystal saw an anxiously marching and much thinner than she remembered Gigi as she approached under the bleachers. She had an unbitten apple in her hand she was swirling around inside her palm. Crystal was wearing a graphic t-shirt, embracing the warmer weather that came with spring whilst Gigi was still wearing a thin but long-sleeved black top, leaving her pale stomach an inch open. Gigi froze and hugged her bare belly with her arms as she saw Crystal walking towards her.

“Why are you here?” She said without missing a beat. Crystal didn’t hesitate this time and stood right in front of her.

“I think we need to talk.” Gigi let out a nervous laughter as Crystal furrowed her eyebrows.

“Oh, Crystal, baby… Are you worried about me now? Are you going to lecture me?” She said with a mocking voice that Crystal knew she couldn’t let it break her.

“Have you been to your appointments?” Crystal tried to reach and hold Gigi’s unoccupied hand, but she snatched it back.

“Why would I go there? I am okay,” Gigi said, gesturing her body. “I eat, I know you see me eat. Why do you even care?”

“Here is one thing I know; you know what is wrong far better than I do. Wait for me near Mads at the end of the day or everyone will know how ice-cold Genevieve Goode is obsessed with her appearance.” Crystal knew it was too far, she also knew it was needed.

“You wouldn’t dare.” The brunette’s voice broke as she peeled her eyes away from Crystal’s.

“Oh, wouldn’t I?” Crystal turned around and left with sure steps. She couldn’t believe how well she hid her emotions but was proud of herself.

A defeated looking Gigi was waiting near Crystal’s orange car as the auburn-haired girl approached her. She was looking down to the little backpack she was holding in her hand with her eyebrows furrowed and her posture down.

Crystal got in and opened the door for Gigi from inside. “Thanks,” she mumbled quietly and got in. They did their seatbelts in a coordinating movement and Crystal drove away from the school. When she realized how down Gigi was looking, she handed her the AUX cord.

“Nicky talked to your mom and convinced her to stay away from us while we are there,” Crystal shared the news as Gigi went through her playlists. She hummed as a response as a rock song filled the car. “Are you mad?”

“For what? Blackmailing me into a recovery into I don’t need?” Gigi’s fiery eyes found Crystal’s focused face. “Of course I’m not!” Her tone rose higher with sarcasm. Crystal knew to keep her mouth shut from then on. The dominance switched constantly in between them, sometimes it was better to not talk.

The nurse from a month earlier was waiting for them at the front door and greeted the girls with a big smile on his face. “Hey girls,” he spoke soft. “I will company you as we go through the process. We will have your blood drawn, Gigi and then a team of our doctors and a dietitian will decide how to approach this, okay? We will succeed this time.” He said with a reassuring smile.

Then they stayed there for hours on end, Crystal following Gigi like a shadow. She watched how angry towards her mother she was when Mrs. Goode visited them as they waited for the blood results, bringing a banana to her daughter help her gather some energy.

When Gigi finally left her dietitian’s office with a defeated look and a couple of paperwork in her hand, Crystal guided her towards the parking lot in silence. The hospital was cold and silent, it made the girls feel colder inside. They didn’t talk at all this time, dropped the small talk they made at the hospital with each other. It was a while into the night, a time they would normally sleep on a school night. Crystal drove in silence, already knowing where to head, as Gigi played her _“going through it in the night-time”_ playlist.

Crystal realized a heavier breathing on her right side as _Keep on Loving You_ filled inside her old car. She took a quick look to see Gigi on her side, sleeping with the worried look still on her face. _An angel_ , she thought to herself _, a hurt angel._ She wanted to be the one to bandage her, take care of her scars.

Crystal pulled up in front of Gigi’s house, but the gates opened for her this time. They were clearly expected sometime around then. She parked closer to the front door and leaned in to sleeping Gigi.

“Hey, Geeg, we’re here,” She whispered. Gigi opened her eyes barely, Crystal felt sad for her thinking about the day she had. She left the car, helped Gigi leave and grabbed her little backpack. She held her from her waist and guided her inside. The help opened the door for them and showed Crystal upstairs, but Gigi talked before she could approach.

“Wait,” she said sleepily before snatching herself away from Crystal’s grip. “We need to go to the kitchen.” Crystal nodded and followed a more awake looking Gigi towards a big kitchen with long windows that looked over the front of the house.

“Do you need water? Just tell me where the glasses are.” Crystal mumbled as she followed. Gigi got around to the opposite side of the island counter as Crystal waited for an answer. She gripped the edge of it, looking down.

“Crys,” she took a long breath in. “They told me I need to gain a certain amount of weight in a week or I would get accepted in rehab…”

“Geeg, I’m so sorry,” Crystal’s body tingled, demanding her to approach the taller girl and give her the biggest hug.

“Don’t be. Give me the list they’ve handed me so I can eat before I sleep.” Crystal reached Gigi’s backpack for the list; it was required for her to eat every night before sleeping. They were mainly healthy food to not mess with her head, but it was way more than she would eat herself. She looked at the bottom of the list to see her options, they both examined it and decided on a warm cup of milk and banana with peanut butter was the way to go. Gigi informed the help and guided Crystal towards her room, a room that looked the opposite of Crystal’s with the dull colors and the tidiness of it.

“I can leave if you want me to,” Crys said as Gigi seated herself on her bed and patted on it, asking Crystal to sit with her.

“I would like you to stay, is that okay?” Crystal nodded slowly. They heard a knock on the door and Gigi got up to grab the plate and thanked the woman on the door before closing it shut.

Crystal examined Gigi’s nervous movement, she acted as if she was holding nothing but crystal cutlery. She placed the plate on the bed in between them but didn’t grab any of it. Instead she put her elbows on her knees and pushed the palm of her hands on her eyes, trying to fight the tears.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Crystal got up and placed herself before Gigi, kneeling on the floor. She caressed her knees as she spoke. “Just eat whatever you can, you don’t have to grow into this new normal quickly.”

“I will be ugly again,” Gigi sniffled as she grabbed the glass full of milk. “Ugly outside or beautiful inside, in rehab…” She mumbled as Crystal stood on her knees, not knowing what to say.

“You will always be the most beautiful girl in the world for me.” She spoke slowly and carefully, knowing it wasn’t the time to mess with her head. Gigi smiled as she forced herself to swallow the milk.

“Liar…” She took a bite of the banana and seemingly gagged, tears streaming down her face. “I told you I didn’t like lies.” She talked when she could again.

“Gigi… Your beauty is beyond anything else in this world, beyond any art I have seen.” Gigi got up, opened her room’s door, and placed the plate next to her door from outside as if it was a hotel.

“Stop, Crystal! You don’t have to say all of that to make me feel better!” Crystal got up and stood right in front of the taller girl who were still sobbing quietly.

“I promise you I would never lie to- “

“Another lie? That is just getting on my nerves now.” Crystal took a deep breath in, knowing she had no right to be mad at her right now. “You don’t get it; I can’t blame you for not getting it. It’s my mind… I don’t love myself; I’ll never love myself. That is the norm for me, that is the routine.”

Crystal made a decision she couldn’t carefully weigh then. She got up on her toes and pulled Gigi in for a kiss. Gigi gladly accepted it and leaned closer to the shorter girl. “Let me make you _love yourself_ ,” Crystal mumbled when she pulled away for a second. Gigi examined her face with tears in her eyes and nodded slowly, letting Crystal lay her on her big bed.

She handled her with ease, carefully let her down on the bed as she kissed her plump lips. Gigi Goode looked unbreakable but was more fragile than anyone could imagine, Crystal handled her knowing the fact. She sat on top of her and helped her out of the crop-top she was wearing as she did the same for her. She kissed all over her neck, busying herself on the pulse point as Gigi breathed shakily under her.

They were radiating heat as they made out. Gigi’s cheeks were flushed rosy pink whilst Crystal’s was red as they cuddled each other, feeling the other one up. Crystal worked her way down, reaching Gigi’s small breasts to leave bruises around her pink nipples. One of her hands followed along her showing rib cage and found the seam of her jeans, holding there as she pulled Gigi closer to her kisses.

Crystal leaned closer to Gigi’s face again, their bare chests brushed each other as she did, making both of them shiver. She kissed her tenderly as Gigi’s slender hands played with her curly hair. Crystal unzipped her jeans and went back down to get rid of them alongside her underwear. She wasted no time to give her the affection she needed, one way or another.

It was four in the morning when Crystal woke up from a nightmare with the pale girl cuddled up in her arms. They were both in under wears and under the covers, their bodies tangled. She watched Gigi sleep, careful to not wake her up, with her brunette hair covering her face. The urge to caress her beautiful face and brush her hair back was irresistible, her hand that wasn’t under Gigi’s head fell into it. She took the hair away from her face and brushed against her boney cheek with the back of her hand.

Crystal panicked when Gigi’s eyes tingled thinking she woke her up. Gigi opened her eyes slowly and seemed relieved to see Crystal was still there. She gave Crystal the most beautiful sleepy smile that took her breath away.

“Did I wake you up? I’m sorry,” Crystal whispered. Gigi raised her head to give her a light-hearted little peck.

“It’s okay, baby. I’m a light sleeper,” she whispered back. Crystal smiled and left a kiss on the temple of her head. “Would you like to see the sunrise?” Crystal answered with a nod and they both stretched before leaving the bed.

Gigi went in her dressing room as Crystal watched her, sitting at the bottom edge of the bed. Her pale body contrasting with the black lingerie looked even paler under the moonlight hitting her from the side of the room’s window. She came back with two oversize sweatshirts on her hands, wearing almost knee-high socks now, and handed one to Crystal. They both slipped in them, then Gigi grabbed Crystal’s hand to guide her towards the rooftop.

They sat there, hand in hand, their knees clashing, and half hugs shared. Watched the sunrise with the least care in the world, like they were the last ones left there. They talked, and talked, and talked… Talked about school, talked about life itself, talked about the future they’ve dreamt for themselves. Gigi was watching the sky as Crystal got closer to her and rested her nose on her cheek. Gigi turned with a big smile on her face and their noses touched.

“What?” She said, making Crystal smile just as big. She gave a quick peck before speaking.

“You and your beautiful mess is the best thing that happened to me.” Gigi gave her the softest smile yet before kissing her, deep with her hands on Crystal’s neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i know it has been a while since i last updated but i needed some time away from this story since i struggle with ed myself  
> this is basically writing about my best friend in a way so it kind of hits too close to home but here it is, a happier chap!   
> make sure to leave a comment and see you next time, hopefully i won't keep you waiting long this time


	6. we'll be fine, i promise you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven’t proofread this, sorry in advance

Crystal and Gigi’s unofficial relationship was mostly made of making out on the hill and talking for hours there after they leave the hospital, Crystal taking Gigi there every single time. She wasn’t complaining, on the contrary she was happy Gigi was letting her be a caretaker for her. Stubborn brunette who was just like a locked safe was opening up to her, letting her see her most vulnerable moments and pet her hair to attempt comforting her and that was good enough for Crystal.

Although she wanted call Gigi ‘my girlfriend’, hold her hand whenever she wanted and wherever she wanted Crystal knew it had to develop under Gigi’s terms. She was already committed they both were, a title was just a scary step further they didn’t want to stress about at the time.

Crystal was at her self-claimed spot in the furthest stall once again, avoiding running and chain smoking as any high school student would do. She heard the door open, didn’t mind it thinking it was another student she shared gym with until she heard puking.

“Geeg?” She put the cigarette off quickly, leaving to approach stall next to hers. It felt awkward to be back at where they started. Crystal kneeled down next to her, holding her hair and didn’t mind the dirt of the marble floor.

“Thank you,” Gigi mumbled when she was done, her kindness was out even in her worst second.

“Of course, my angel,” Crystal said, helping the brunette get up by holding her hand. “Is there something wrong?”

“New antidepressants,” Gigi said, her face still pale as Crystal guided her to the sink. Crystal waited for her, knowing how much she hated extra hands when she fixed herself and watched her examine herself.

“Come here,” Crystal opened her arms, embracing the taller girl in a hug with her little body. It felt so warm to Gigi, it felt like she was safe from every bad thing on earth in between the curly haired girl’s arms. They stood like that for a while, Gigi’s eyes closed as Crystal caressed her hair.

“Thank you, Crys, I don’t know what I would do without-“ Crystal shushed her quickly as she pulled away to see Gigi’s face.

“I am here, and I’m not going anywhere.” Crystal assured her. Gigi looked down, a little smile on her face even though she was sick seconds ago. It was a relief to see her like this, allowing herself to be taken care of and a complete opposite of the girl she was when they were first there together.

“You really are always here, in this dirty bathroom, aren’t you?” Gigi asked giggling and turned back to sit on the dry counter like part that was in front of a mirror, pulling Crystal there by her wrist.

“Maybe,” Crystal said with her high tone, which Gigi found adorable. She settled in between Gigi’s long legs, leaning to one of them as they talked close to each other, forgetting where they were. Gigi intertwined her hands behind Crystal’s neck, grinning to her. “You’re such a tease.”

Crystal kissed Gigi where it all started, kissed her like it was their first. She only pulled away to examine the brunette’s face with a little smile on, just to go back and kiss her on her smile again. Then she left a kiss on her button nose, earning herself a Gigi giggle that sounded harmonic to her.

Gigi was pulling her in another kiss when the door opened, revealing a black-haired girl as Gigi pulled her legs closer to herself, letting Crystal off her grip.

“Get off my friend, you little d*ke!” Elena yelled at Crystal, which shocked her at first as Gigi jumped off the counter.

“Do not call her that!” Gigi walked closer to Elena with sure steps.

“Or what? Not only you are just like her, I also know your little obsession with your floppy body,” she said as she stepped closer just like Gigi did. It was Crystal’s time to be furious now. She pulled herself together and paced to them as Gigi held her hand up to keep her away.

“Elena give me a reason to not beat you up right now,” Gigi said, barely holding herself back.

“You can’t afford losing my relationship,” she talked with her cockiness before turning on her heels and walking right back out. She stopped by the door and talked without turning back. “Good luck finding someone else that would take you after Gigi leaves. Oh, sorry, you can just pick up another one in the psych ward.”

Crystal held from Gigi’s wrist, not letting her go after Elena. They struggled for a moment, but it ended with a red-faced Gigi crossing her arms on her chest, fuming with anger.

“What does she want?” Crystal asked, thinking there had to be a reason to be this evil.

“I don’t know! People always liked me more, well I’m not a bitch, that’s why, but she always hated that.” Gigi said, not looking at Crystal.

“My life would be so much easier without her…” Crystal mumbled, trying to think of ways to protect Gigi.

“I’m sorry…” Gigi spoke under her breath and Crystal turned her puzzled looks to Gigi. “For not standing up for you enough.”

“I can handle myself,” Crystal said simply. “What if she outs you?” she asked with her voice lowered. Gigi froze, her body tensed up all over.

“I already hate this hell hole,” she mumbled under her breath. Crystal tried to walk closer to her but she stepped back, running from the touch. It was a while since Gigi ran from her touch; it surprised Crystal. “I need a minute alone.”

“Geeg,” Crystal called behind her as she left, leaving her standing there all alone. Her phone buzzed with a notification just a second after with a message received from Jan.

 ** _Janice:_** _elena posted a story about you two_

**_Janice:_ ** _warn gigi_

She took a deep breath in, furious with how she went ahead and already started talking within the minute.

Cryssiebabie: she knows

Crystal knew Gigi was out to her parents, thankfully, but didn’t want the whole school talking of her sexuality all of a sudden. On top of that, she was seen with the ‘weirdo’ of the school, making things two times harder to deal with. This was the worst time for her to be forced out of the closet and she was scared Gigi’s mental health would spiral right back to where they started.

Crystal left the bathroom and felt all the eyes on her as soon as she entered a crowded area. She ran into Nicky, looking just as concerned as her and stopped to talk to her.

“Do you know where she went?” she asked, not addressing anything.

“Crystal, I think she needs her space… At least give her the day,” the French girl said, giving scary looks to a few people watching them. “Did you even see the story?”

Nicky pulled up her phone and went right into Instagram to find Elena’s profile. It was a beautiful picture of Gigi and Elena together, black and white as if someone died and it had a long paragraph below. Crystal took the phone on her hand to read it.

 _“I can’t believe you betrayed me by dating the person I despised the most. After all we went through, after all I did to get you to get help about your anorexia… I can’t believe you’re dating Crystal Methyd now.”_ Crystal’s got red to her ears with anger and clicked on the next story, a paragraph written over a simple black background. _“Crystal, I hope you’re happy knowing you’re the reason of her ED. I’ll be here for her when you dump her, making her mental state even worse.”_

“Nicky… She can’t handle this alone,” Crystal said quietly, handing her phone back.

“I’ll go to hers after school and stay there, okay? We will get over this, all together this time.” Nicky tried to assure her before a mad Jan approached them.

“I will kill that fucking bitch!” she said, her hands gripping on her phone tightly. “I will ruin her so bad she won’t ever leave her house again!”

“We can’t afford to have any more of us mad.” Nicky said to her. Jan took a deep breath in, her forehead sweaty with the anger making her blood flush her face. “I’ll be with her, okay? Give her space now, she told me she was leaving for home.”

Crystal didn’t listen to Nicky at all and started marching to the parking lot. She didn’t mind Nicky and Jan calling for her, didn’t mind everyone looking at her. She got in her old car and speeded out as fast as it could. Her brain was on autopilot, making her way to Gigi’s house. She was there before she could even realize but despite the last few weeks, the gates didn’t open for her this time.

The auburn-haired girl left her car with the door still open, approaching the doorbell system with cameras installed with her eyes already full.

“Miss Martin, it’s me, Crystal,” she said to the intercom, hoping to be let in.

“I’m afraid Miss Goode doesn’t want to see you now.” The short, nice lady spoke with a cold tone over the intercom as Crystal’s tears started streaming down. She cursed herself cause of not being able to protect Gigi and be strong when she needed her to be.

“Please…” she pleaded, “Please let me in. I need to be there for her.”

“I’m sorry, Crystal, but I can’t do that.”

Crystal accepted the defeat and walked back to her car. She got in, closed the door but waited with her hands on the steer wheel for a while, trying to calm down. If she was going to be helpful to Gigi, she needed to be calm.

She drove back to her empty house to lock herself in her room, spending her whole time trying to occupy her mind with paintings. She painted and painted while her mind didn’t let her take a breath, asking for Gigi again and again. Her mom came to her room, asking her to come for dinner from the other side of the door but she declined. It was the first time she ever saw her daughter like this, she decided to leave Crystal alone but still left a plate for her on the door. Crystal didn’t get it.

Crystal dragged herself to her bed finally, looking at her phone back for the hundredth time to see no notifications from Gigi.

**_Crys:_ ** _we still have those concert tickets_

**_Crys:_ ** _here is your reason, if you’re needing one_

**_Crys:_ ** _we’ll be fine, i promise you_

Gigi clutched her phone to her chest as Crystal messaged her for the last time that night, not demanding her to talk to her this time. She cried as Nicky sat on her bed, watching her with concerned eyes.

“Everyone will hate me… They will hate the chubby, bisexual girl… Make my world living hell when I did nothing to them.” She whispered in between her crying.

“Fuck them,” Nicky said unexpectedly, “You have us, Gee, fuck them.”

If Gigi was a normal girl with a normal way of thinking, she would listen to Nicky and wouldn’t care for a second. But caring about other people’s opinions of her was what caused her health, both mentally and physically, spiral down.

Crystal fell asleep, still waiting for a respond until the last second sleep took over her as Gigi cried to her best friend’s hug. All she wanted was to get off the world, once again, but Crystal in the back of her mind kept reminding why not to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the names i wrote while texting were how the receiver registered them  
> hello again! i know it's been a while, i was obsessed with "the other girl" for a while now. that's fun too if you want to read it (shameless self promo)  
> hope you like this one and hope it was worth the wait.


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